Realizations of me

so happy I got the chance to do this… reminds me where I came from and where I’m aiming to go! 

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it’s crunch time 

today was Valentine’s Day and I felt pretty good today. I wanted to make everyone else feel good about themselves & for the most part I did. but now I need to get my drive back because I know that people need me. being an influence to people that can’t find love within themselves in my driving force. I need for everyone that I cross paths with to feel my love. The love that I have for God. The love that I have for myself and the love I have for God’s people. Everyone needs that and that’s what I’m here to do. Motivate, cultivate, elevate, appreciate!! all of those things and more. Time to make a change. Time to work! 

unconditional.

so you ever think how we are so quick to leave someone or want to give up on someone that we say we love? love is very conditional for humans. we only love as far as we can see. we never really love through whatever. everyone has a dark side. everyone has dark days and it’s truly a test of your LOVE to stick around with someone through it all. not your loyalty. God loves us through everything. He loves us through the darkest things we can possibly imagine. lying, cheating, stealing, killing, and we refuse to love if someone lies. not to say that we should be a fool in love, but we should be understanding. We should want to understand why a person did what they did. we should want to understand why a person hasn’t been able to conquer the demon that they have been battling. i just want someone that will love me through all of my dark days. to want to be my light when I can’t see my way through. to lift me up when I can’t seem to find my strength. I crave for a love with no restrictions. A love that doesn’t keep count of my wrongs, but remembers the reason they chose to love me in the first place. It’s possible to have a love like this. I know that, because I have a God that told me so. to my future husband, I love you already. I want you to know that I will love you through every storm. Every threshold. every demon that you can’t fight alone, I will fight with you! I want that Ephesians 3:14 love. A love so unconditional. A love so fearless. A love that will stand the test of time. I will get it. I’m praying for you. I’m praying for us. 

how far is too far ?

ever been afraid to do something because you didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings? you know that it could really help you grow, but you just hold back because it might be detrimental to someone else? that is me. right now. I know I need to tell my story. it’s apart of my journey and I know I can help others if I was transparent enough to do so, but AT WHAT COST? the darkest sides of me are never the sides I can talk to someone about so I just have to talk about it and share it with the world to whomever wants to listen. that’s therapeutic for me. I need that right now to hit the next stage of my life. it’s so scary to know that you have a past and that in order to go higher in your blessings, you have to attack your demons head on. I want to be the light for the world, but I am admitting that I am scared. Terrified!!! I don’t know. I just need to pray. I’ve been under the spiritual weather lately. I need a miracle. I have been dealing with so much internally that isn’t necessarily bad, but I keep letting it get to me. Things from my past that I thought I was over, but I’m not. I’m still reaping the consequences. I’m not growing, because I’m not confronting. I’m still hurting, because I haven’t allowed myself to feel pain. why do we this? Especially women. We cover up so many feelings to seem so strong for the world when we are ALLOWED to be weak. it’s actually our strongest points. I will get there. I just want you guys to understand that even though I try to always remain positive, I still have demons that I’m dealing with. Past demons. You are not alone. We are all fighting something and I’m just trying to fight the good fight! Pray for me.